I’ve come back from an amazing life changing experience.
But how life changing is it, if I slowly fall back into old habits? Not bad habits, just old.
This feeling of anxiety I get. The way time passes by with me just sitting here. But what can I do?
When I was gone, I was actually doing something. Doing something that was worth the while. I was living.
Now I’m back. And it all feels so empty.
Here I am filling out paperwork to be able to take the next step towards my life. A huge step, the most important one. But, I feel scared. I’ve messed up before. I don’t want to feel like that again. But at the same time I feel like I can’t go anymore.
Take me back to these pass few weeks where I felt that fire inside of me. That fire the fueled my need to learn, the reason for my existence.
How do I get that back? I want that feeling…..
I need that feeling.
I wonder why I’m always trying to find stuff to buy. Is that normal?
I mean I spend my time on the internet either in social sites, school website, checking email, and finding stuff to buy. Why must I buy stuff?
I have plenty of things. Perhaps I’m some kind of compulsive buyer, but it takes me a while to hit ‘post payment’, so I’m pretty sure I’m not.
This is just as confusing as it sounds in my head.
Makes me wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that absolutely everything from my childhood is gone. I have nothing but pictures to remind me of it.
Material things aren’t everything by any means but I wish I could’ve kept some just so I could feel like I could hold on to it; hold on to mostly the thought of my dad.
After I think about this, I move in the direction of why does any of this even matter? I can’t take any of it when it hits my time to leave this world. But it’s nice to have things.
A scrapbook to put your thoughts and pictures on. A video game to play and spend time with long distance friends/relatives. A laptop that is incredibly fast and doesn’t irritate you while you are trying to take notes during class. Books to read and to hopefully pass on to your kids.
Perhaps I think too much. Don’t you think?
I’m not depressed.
I have a family that loves me, friends that care about me.
But for some odd reason, I still feel this emptiness inside me when I am completely alone.
I say I like to enjoy “me” time. And it is nice.
But there are days that I just feel lonely. Maybe it’s because I think too much about everything.
I keep busy so this feeling doesn’t overcome me. But I can’t always run away from it. I must face it.
But how exactly am I suppose to face and defeat something that I cannot even explain.
Something that I can’t even fully comprehend.
Is this a cry for help? or is this me just trying to find myself?
We all have different experiences.
We think differently. Act differently. React differently.
Sometimes I wonder how my life compares to others. I know I’m not unfortunate by any means. I have a roof over my head and I’m grateful for that. But there’s always that moment that makes me ask why?
Why did this happen? Did I do something wrong?
I know there are people in the world suffering but I still can’t help but to think why such bad things happen to me. As if I was the only one.
Then I keep comparing. And that is bad….selfish.
My life is just mine, regardless of someone else. It’s affected by others but comparing doesn’t fix anything or answer any of my questions.
It’s hard not to, but I guess that is human nature.
Our life stories, they are all different. We all have bad times and good times.
We are not alone.
I love you.
You were always there for me as a kid. You believed in me even before I knew what I was capable of.
I owe you everything, down to what I stand for.
When I’m at low point in my life, I think of you. I think of everything you did to get to where you were at.
You took such good care of me then, and still do.
Thank you for everything dad.